I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She announced her abortion via fbk
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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