Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize