with your own penis?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
