not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize