My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Someone shattered a urinal.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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