Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sext me about skeletons
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize