all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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