3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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