I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
