Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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