so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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