If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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