I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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