if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
