after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
