I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
