I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
