i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
