Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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