at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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