I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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