I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
