i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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