I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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