I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
