He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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