is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sorry about my life...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize