Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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