I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
