how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Im part way to drunk.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
