Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
