Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
