Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
