you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
