she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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