I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
