I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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