So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
