so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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