Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
