The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
