the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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