There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
