Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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