where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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