listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
