I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize