When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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