He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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