hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
