apparently the secret to your success is patron
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
