Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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