I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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