Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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