You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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