Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
