Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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