I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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