I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
