He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
