It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
