The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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