At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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