Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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