bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
