great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
