i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
