I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
