now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We had to coat check the pizza.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
