do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
