the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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