My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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