I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
