Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
