well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
A bitchslap is in order.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
