I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
