they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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