The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
