what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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