Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
