do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
All the doctor said was why
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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