we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
